Thursday, May 29, 2008

I Put His Toy Mouse In My Mouth, It Wasn't The Same And It Tasted Like Carpet

I woke up this morning to see James walking around with my bra in his mouth. He was just marching it around the room, like he was so proud of it. I've never seen him so happy.

I wish I had that much confidence in my bras.

I went to buy some new under things the other day and (as always) had a slightly uncomfortable confrontation with the sales lady. I'm shocked more people don't swat and run at the sales people since they COME AT YOU WITH A TAPE MEASURE!

Her: Hi.
Me: Hi. (shit)
Her: Can I-
Me: No.
Her: I was just going to-
Me: No, thanks.
Her: Today we have a-
Me: Please don't get near me with that.
Her: I just wanted to see what size you were.
Me: I'm fine.
Her: What size are you looking for?
Me: I don't know.
Her: You don't know? Well then let me just help-
Me: Medium! I'm a medium!
Her: . . . (looking me up and down)
Me: . . . (uncomfortably shifting)
Her: Ok. "Medium".
Me: Uh, what?
Her: (walking away) Sure, you're a medium. I'm gonna go help someone else.
Me: Good.
Her: Fine.
(long silence)
Me: I am a medium!

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Reason #374 Why We Need To Stop Texting Each Other

Alex just told me (via text) that she thought it was a little weird that my va-jayge smelled like sunshine.

"Not if you like happiness and joy it's not."

Friday, May 23, 2008

The Spears Solution

I'm not going to talk about the fact that my heater is still coming on even though IT'S DAYS AWAY FROM JUNE! Chicago has decided to skip summer this year and set some sort of ridiculous record to see how many grown people it can make cry in a year by having the winter that wouldn't die.

To distract myself I've been talking to my sister a lot and all of a sudden she's got a really odd take on how to handle things. To be fair, she's usually drunk when I talk to her (yay maternal genes!) but every time I've discussed some issue with her she has one specific remedy:

Example 1
A: James likes to knead my back at 4am 'til I wake up and play with him.
B: You know what you should do? Shave his head.
A: Uh...
B: That'll teach him because he'll be all, 'Hey I shouldn't wake Amy up because now my head is shaved.'
A: I don't think he'll really think th-
B: Do it. You'll thank me.

Example 2 (10 minutes later)
A: So, then Mom said she thought it was 'groovy'. Groovy? Are you kidding me? Where's my mother?
B: What?! You know what you should do? Shave part of her head when she's not looking. That'll teach her to say 'groovy'.
A: What?

This actually went on for quite some time and for no apparent reason. She wasn't even giggling about it which was the weird part. Thank god she doesn't own clippers.

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Yeah, They're Called Doctors.

This little pretty princess just graduated!!!!


Despite the 187 degree heat (yes, that was the actual temperature taken at the time), I still had enough water on my person to start bawling when Bubby walked in the tent in her cap and gown. Three hours later however, I was deliriously mocking every speaker, and taking turns being held back by, and then holding back Alex, as we both were pretty sure we had to kill this blond girl sitting in front of us. When we talked about it later we decided the only reason we could really come up with for our angst against her was that "she looked like a bitch". That would not have held up in court, so I'm really glad we were too hot to peel ourselves off our chairs and into little miss blond girl's face.

After the sweltering ceremony we spent a fun three hours with my grandma and mom driving them three blocks to their parking garage, only to have it end with us dropping them off in the middle of traffic and having my mother scream to her mother, "Get out of the car! Go! Go!" as Alex slowly continued to drive down the 110.

A big night of partying was planned. Big. Huge. But then we napped til 7pm and woke up when one of us started snoring (Alex). After we rally-ed majorly (put pants on) and made our way to a fancy dinner (Marmalade Cafe), we realized, leaving the house is overrated. Beds are at home! And tivo! And a phone to order food to be brought to your door! But it was Bub's graduation so we thought going out was the right thing to do.

There was no one at the restaurant, but for some reason our busboy acted as though we just stabbed his mom and then asked him to do our laundry. After about 30 minutes and no snapping of fingers (thanks for toning it down A!) the lad with the bread and butter marched over to us, threw our bread basket, and then slammed our butter down so hard it broke the ceramic, as he yelled, "WHAT?" and walked away.

It may be my favorite restaurant moment ever.

Needless to say it was not the big bang blowout night I'd wanted to celebrate the 8 years of hard work my baby sister has put into this, but the next day was amazing (and like four more posts in itself)! Plus I have all summer to celebrate with her. She's gonna wish she started prepping her liver earlier.

Congrats Rebecca Leigh! I'm so proud of you!!!