My Mom Is A Tween

My mom came up to me at work yesterday and asked me if she could borrow my car keys, which is weird because she has her own car - and she didn't ask if she could borrow my car, just the keys, like she was gonna go shank someone and didn't want to get blood on her set.

"You want the keys?"

"I got a ride into work today so I don't have a car."

"What are you going to do in the car?"

"Uh. . . "

**searching my brain for reasons my mom needs to just be in a car that don't include hot-boxing, or changing her clothes**

"Do you need to change your clothes?" I went with the most possible, though not any less weird.

"What?"

"Why do you need my car?"

"To drive it." Well you didn't mention that before weirdo.

"Drive it where?"

"Uh. . . drive it to . . . the uh. . . " and then she looked searchingly up to the left so I knew she was trying to think of some sort of lie to tell me, like a teenager asking to borrow the car so they can go hot-box with their boyfriend behind the cemetery. Or change clothes in the car with their boyfriend behind the cemetery. Or something weird she was going to lie about. And maybe she looked up to the right, I can't remember which way is supposed to mean you're lying, all I know is she looked very about-to-lie-to-me-y, and I know that look well. I don't need a right brain/left brain signal to show me that, I memorized that face after the time she sat me down and told me waiting for marriage was fun. Mostly because she started laughing about two seconds before the whole sentence was even out of her mouth.

"Honey, waiting for marriage is good."

"Why are you laughing?"

"I'm not. But I know if you're related to me this talk is going in one ear and out the other so I'm just gonna stop now before I dig this hole even bigger."

"Huh?"

"Don't get pregnant."

"I'm twelve."

"So we have a deal then?"

So, anyway, as I was trying to figure out what to do with my mom leaving to be sneaky with my car my sister interrupted by sending me a picture of something so weird looking my mind could only comprehend it to look like exploded golf balls all over the kitchen.

"What happened?"

"I exploded eggs all over the kitchen."

"That makes more sense."

"I tried to hard boil some eggs and then I forgot about them and they all exploded. I didn't even know eggs could do that. What should I do?"

"Clean it up?"

"But I want hard boiled eggs."

Then I imagined her trying to scrape egg off the ceiling to eat it in a sandwich, but that got interrupted with thoughts of my mom doing a drug deal in my car (that's another thing you can do in a car I just remembered!) (and no 'just doing errands' does not enter into my thoughts because she wouldn't have been being sneaky about errands), and then that got interrupted with a text message from my mom that said: Be back in a few hours.

Be back in a few hours? What the heck!

Then my sister said something about how, oh by the way the Math Teacher fell down some stairs and could I go to Watts to get her car, and something about collecting stray egg bits from the dog food and my insides melted down a little bit.

It's the Busiest Time In The World at my work right now! I don't have time to handle my newly teenaged Mom, and my culinarily weird sister, and her leaving-car-in-the-middle-of-The-Hood girlfriend! I'm afraid of PEANUT BUTTER for God's sake!

*sigh*

I've started drinking wine again.

I think we all know why.