Happy Christmas Eve!

My favorite Christmas present so far:



The best part about this was that right after I got it I had to call my sister and say, "When did Chanukah start? Is it over? Do you spell it with a 'c' and one 'n'? Or a 'h' and three hundred 'k's?"

"It ended already, it started on the 11th."

"Wow super-jew, way to keep up with things."

"I do have a hebrew tattoo remember?"

"So does Posh Spice."

"Ok, it's pre-printed on my work calendar."

"Awesome."

"I am gonna make fried matzo on Christmas eve when Dad comes over to celebrate."

"There see, we've fulfilled out duty then. Maybe I'll see if he wants to play dreidel with us."

"Do you remember the rules?"

"No, but I figure if I just start shouting out all the Yiddish words I remember and throwing gelt at everyone it'll seem like we're doing it right."

"I'm in."

"L'chaim."

"Uh. . . that's a toast."

"Goyim."

"Amy. . ."

"Shiksa."

"Oh, Jesus. . ."

"Anne Frank."

"Too far."


So, we might not get to the dreidel or even be able to talk my Dad into putting on his yarmulke for the spirit of things, but there will be lots of fried crackers soaked in eggs (oh my gosh, don't judge it's surprisingly amazing) and my Dad will be playing every Christmas song on the planet for us on his guitar while we get drunk on non-kosher wine, and watch Babes in Toyland - the Annette Funicello version - and have to listen to my Dad tell us again how he used to have such a big crush on her. It's not Christmas until your Jewish father is singing Jingle Bells and blushing about a Mouseketeer, while your brother is making the bells strung on the tree play Silent Night at an insanely high decibel as some sort of horrible back-up to your dad's acoustic guitar, and you and your equally tone deaf sister get just tipsy enough to join in for the "harmony" but end up stopping your dad dead in his tracks to cover his ears in mock pain, and even your brother focuses on you long enough to sign, "Stop please", which you do because I mean c'mon - you've just offended the boy who thinks New Kids On The Block still kicks ass - that's gotta be some bad singing.