Starbucks and Tony Soprano

One of my really good friends, Starbucks, is pregnant. (That's not her real name, that's her code name. It was between that and Ice Man, but then I remembered I'm saving that one for when I date Stefan from Vampire Diaries - because he looks like a weird cross between Val Kilmer and Willem Dafoe to me.)

Anyway, Starbucks is pregnant, and the other night she wanted to go to the Lomita Fair, and since she's pregnant I pretty much do whatever she says because I'm slightly afraid of pregnant women - like they hold this weird supernatural power because they're growing humans inside of them like some sort of alien-witchy woman who can do spells and CREATE LIFE.

(The angle of this picture sort of looks like she had an affair with a Lego man, doesn't it?)

Optional wedding photo:

Have you ever told a pregnant woman no? I once thought about telling Gige I didn't want ice cream one night when she was pregnant, and she glared at me so hard right after I thought it, that I'm fairly certain she used her pregnant voodoo to climb into my dreams and see every bad thought I've ever had. I didn't even say anything out loud, I just let the thought drift into my head and I'm pretty sure if I didn't throw some Double Stuf Oreos at her right at that moment she would have used her pregnant mind-power to make the steak knives lift out of the drawers and come flying at my head.

She said she was just having some indigestion when I asked her why she was looking at me like that, but I know better.

So, when Starbucks asked me to go to the fair I said yes. Despite the fact you have to walk through a metal detector just to get into the fair, and then be patted down before you go into any of the haunted houses. The fish toss didn't even have fish (or water for that matter) in the little bowls. It was just empty bowls lined up by angry carnie.

Starbucks tried to convince me she wanted us to ride this roller coaster:

And then it got stuck there. Which didn't dissuade her at all, because Starbucks loves danger. Pregnant danger. But luckily I was able to distract her with funnel cake and art.

I've been looking for an oil painting of fictional mob bosses from six different stories all in one!

I mean, who hasn't?

My favorite part is that Tony Soprano is in there twice. Once just wasn't enough.

My other favorite part of this is that this is the second time we went to the fair in one day. When a pregnant lady tells you she wants to go back and get more funnel cake, you turn the m.f.ing car around and prepare yourself to be wanded again, because they have little humans growing inside of them, feeding off their blood and nutrients and stuff. I don't even have a virus right now, so I have no say.

But that's not all! Once they birth them - they feed them with their boobs!

Sometimes talking about the cycle of human life is sort of like describing an 80's movie starring Anthony Michael Hall.

Which is why when Starbucks's kid asks me where babies come from I'm going to pop in Weird Science and let John Hughes do aaaaallll the explaining.

And if that doesn't work I'll just point to the oil painting of mob bosses above the fireplace. It might not explain anything, but at least it'll confuse the kid for a while.