Willow Smith, Hairography, and How I'm Going To Make Thanksgiving More Weird Than It Should Be

So I texted Gabi the other day and was like:

"I kinda love that song - I Whip My Hair Back And Forth"

and she was like:

"Yeah! It's catchy!"

and I was like:

"I know right!"

and then she was like:

"It's Willow Smith. Will Smith and Jada Pinkett-Smith's kid."

and I was like:

"What? That's a kid!"

That was as shocking as when I found out Justin Beiber was white.

and she was like:

"Yeah, she's got a good voice."

and I was like:

"She??"

and she was like:

"Boys whip their hair back and forth?"

and I was like:

"If they grow it out. I'm not prejudice."

and she ignored me and was like:

"I can't wait to shake my booty to it in front of your family!"

and I was like:

"Me too! Get ready for some weird girl-on-girl dancing to a thirteen year old singing what I thought was a sexy hip hop song!"

and she was like:

"LMAO!!!"

and I was like:

"Your mom LMAO!"

and then we exploded into a SoCal, valley girl time bubble of giggles and hairspray because for some reason I can't talk to/about her without saying 'like' every five seconds as if I'm a thirteen year old trying to get out every emotion she can before third period bio class because she's just so teeming with hormones and bursting with love for Christian Slater she can't control it and if she doesn't say 'like' SHE'LL PROBABLY EXPLODE ALL OVER THE HALLWAY and be late for class because how can you keep stuff in when you're a thirteen year old girl? You can't. You have to get it out or you'll die, so as a place holder for actual words you say 'like', or your heart will stop beating.

Anyway, so I was feeling some sort of weird thirteen year old kinship with this Willow, when my sister sent me this, the video:

OK. Hold. Up.

That is one young looking thirteen year old. Where's her padded bra? Where's her. . . adult face? Why does she look like someone from my third grade class dressed up in her mom's makeup and grandma's clothes???

And what up with the lip bedazzling? What sort of high-class dancer dazzles their lips with fake little diamonds, and where the heck can I get some of those!

And then I figured it out:

She's nine.

NINE.

Years old.

Not, nine years and four as they say in the olden days, when they added things in a really weird way instead of just saying the number outright. And not nine as in some sort of age code all the kids are using so that when you say nine what you really mean is 117 divided by 13 is 9, because they all talk in crazy computer algorithms now - but nine as in, she should be watching the Ninja Turtles, and asking her mom to leave the hallway light on when she goes to bed because she's afraid of the dark because she's nine.

Now I feel weird. If I'm gonna be grinding up on my sister or friends at a family function I want to be able to do it to a song that's not added an extra level of uncomfortable to the whole mess. Do you know what I mean? I mean, I'm a thirty year old who just used the word 'grinding', if that doesn't creep everyone out already, you . . . well, you might really enjoy the Willow/Jonbenet Ramsey type video.

To be fair, there are no real sexy lyrics, and she's not dressed that inappropriately, but I still feel weird dancing to it.

Is that gonna stop me once I get a half a glass of wine in me?

I doubt it. I highly, highly doubt it.