Monday, July 12, 2010

Vacation, It's Good For You - Mostly

I just got back from Catalina so my mind is still in double-stuf-oreo-beach-napping-not-afraid-to-use-men's-deodorant-instead-of-stupid-girl-non-working-deodorant-that-just-makes-me-smell-like-pear-scented-high-school-me-which-is-awful-because-it-brings-back-a-flood-of-make-out-memories-I'd-rather-not-remember-(I'm talking to you Tony)-(and you boy who's name I don't remember but I took you to Sadie Hawkins one year even though you didn't go to our school. I had mouth herp that day and never told you. Sorry.)-sunscreen-and-soft-serve-and-buffalo-hiking mode, so this is going to be a short post, lest I do something retarded (I can say that because my brother is retarded, suckers) like what just happened in my work bathroom:

Me: (bursting into the bathroom nearly running someone over before I stop with crazy sharp reflexes, sort of waving my arms to get balance, like someone about to fall off a building, but am not about to fall off a building, am just standing unsteadily in a public bathroom) Oh, sorry, were you waiting?

Stranger: Yeah but. . . you look like you need to go. You first.

Me: No, that's ok. Go ahead.

Stranger: Uh. . . (looking scared) no, you.

Me: No, I insist. (I don't usually spend so much time trying to convince someone to use the bathroom before me, but my horoscope told me to be generous today.)

Stranger: You sure, you seem. . . you sure?

Me: Yeah (what the h?) I'm sure, you were here first. Go for it!

Stranger: . . . Are you su-

Me: -Yes, I'm sure! My horoscope told me you should go first. (holds out hand which has been clutching horoscope even though I didn't realize it til that second. reflexes are working in mysterious ways.)

Stranger: First of all, (it's totally ok she's first-of-all-ing me because I am thrusting things in her face all crazy-like) that's not a horoscope.

Me: (looking down at hand)

Stranger: It's a candy wrapper.

Me: (totally true)

Stranger: Second of all, it doesn't really matter what your candy wrapper is telling you to do, if you're just gonna be unbuttoning your pants in the hallway anyway.

Me: (slowly, looks from hand to pants. pants are indeed unbuttoned and unzipped already.) Oh, when did that happen?

Stranger: Before you got in here.

Me: Jeeze. I'm sorry. I just got back from vacation.

Stranger: Naked vacation?

Me: (suddenly I love her) No, just vacation. My brain isn't working, and things are frantic, and I work in that first office right there.

Stranger: Oooooooh, say no more. I've been in there.

Me: And this candy wrapper has a saying on it ok. So it's sort of like a horoscope.

Stranger: . . .

Me: . . . but not really. It's more of like. . . a saying.

Stranger: . . . .

Me: Please use the bathroom.


Once in elementary school I tried to force my friend Amber Hume to use the bathroom because our 3rd grade teacher told us at lunch time we should eat, play, and use the bathroom and I had noticed that Amber Hume had only completed 2 out of the requisite 3. I was a stickler for rules. Apparently it stuck with me.

Amy Stern : pressuring people to use the bathroom since 1987.


Hopefully tomorrow I'll be a little more coherent. And full of pictures the island! Pants intact.

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