Thirty One, It's A Whole Lot Weirder Than Thirty For Some Reason

I'm not sure how it happened, but somehow another year passed and I'm 31 today.

WHAT?!

When I was a kid 31 seemed soooooooo oooooooold. Now I know that all those mothers and adults and teachers I though were ancient, were really just sitting around thinking, "How am I old enough to be that kid's mom? I mean, I got drunk last night and made out with a sailor. I might still be a little drunk right now. Thirty something year olds don't do that, do they? Ok, fine. So it wasn't really a sailor, it was just the father of my kid, but I was pretending he was a sailor in my head so that counts right?"

Anyway, I decided I need a list of life goals to complete now that I'm in my thirties. So I made a list, a lofty list of goals, not for my life, but for the next year. A list to be completed before I'm 32. Making a list? That just got checked off my list. One down, tons more to go!

BIRTHDAY LIST OF GOALS SPECTACULAR! :

A list of lofty goals. To be completed before I turn 32.

1. Finish writing a book. I’ve got like seven started, just pick one and finish it. Worse comes to worse I’ve got a book I hate. But at least I can say I finished one.

2. Try not to get nails done for an entire year. Every time I get them done I rip them off three days later. (already I want to cross this one off my list because I love having my nails done, even if it is for a few days damnit.)

3. Run a third marathon.

4. Win third marathon.

5. Or at least, pretend to win when I cross the finish line at 4 hours and 55 minutes by holding hands up in the air and shouting, “CHAMPION OF SLOW MARATHONS!”, and get Becky and Math Teacher to suspend me over their heads like an actual champion.

6. Can up the drama by pushing baby in a stroller during entire marathon thus, when cross the finish line can say, “CHAMPION OF BABY PUSHING!” Or can use puppy if baby is uncooperative.

7. Actually finish Anna Karenina. Or War and Peace. Or Moby Dick. Something that is long and foreign. Not sure if Moby Dick is foreign, but it’s about a whale and the sea or something, and since I’ve never been a captain of a ship, it’s foreign to me.

8. Make a weekly comic.

9. First decide what comic should focus on.

10. Decide on own! Do not spend seven hundred hours re-reading online comics. That doesn’t make you productive it just makes you a dork. A thirty-one year old dork.

11. Do more yoga.

12. Train James to not scream his ass off at 3am, but rather to be a calm sleepy kitty that does not walk across chest in the middle of the night and stop to get nose to nose, scaring the living daylights out of me, before meow-yelling and jumping onto stomach then off bed.

13. Find out what “scaring the living daylights out of me” actually means. Living daylights? Are there un-living daylights? Like zombie daylights? Vampire daylights that go around inside of people just waiting to be scared out. Is very strange saying.

14. Swim to the bouy in Catalina. Or at least, watch people swim there as just remembered water is not actual water – is ice that has recently been melted into fooling you it’s water, but is actually just an illusion. Is giant ice cube bodysuit.

15. Eat lots of (un-massacred) donuts in Catalina.

16. Fall asleep tanning (with sunscreen on) on beach in Catalina while reading same book as Gabi. Try not to get the hiv. (Becky and I get blisters on our hands and feet every year [which we call the hiv, because it sounds better than what it actually is] in Catalina because it’s the first time our paper-like skin has been exposed to so much sun in a year and every year it hurts, and sucks, and is ugly. This year I will NOT get the hiv!) (But if I do I will not have a donut the next day as punishment.)

17. Have donut anyway, because am thirty one! Can eat donuts whenever I please!

18. Make out a lot. Just because am in thirties does not mean making out goes out the window. Making out should be re-upped and re-awesome because can think in head, “I’m making out with someone in their thirties! Sixteen year old me is sooooooooooooooo jealous right now!”

19. Write a letter to unborn baby apologizing in advance for all the embarrassing things I may or may not say or do to it. Like talking about making out. Be very sincere, as am sure will have a lot to apologize for, as sometimes cannot control mouth/body when it needs to talk/dance. Try to focus on fact that I will try very hard not to talk about my boobs or other people’s boobs if child does not like it. However, will continue to talk about boobs when child is not in ear shot, because I mean, c’mon . . . what’s not to talk about.

20. Spend more time singing on the phone to my brother.

21. Spend more time singing on the phone to my sister, even though she hates it. (Do not want either of the twins to feel left out)

22. Tell my friends and family how much I love them.

23. I love you guys!

Well, at least I can check one off the list already! I’ll get started on all the others after my birthday nap. Or two.