But It's Just Sort Of Expired

Sometimes I eat string cheese I find in my purse six hours after I put it there simply so that I can tell Gabi I just did that. Because it freaks. her. out. She would check the expiration date on tap water if it had one, and when we were in Fresno she complained the milk tasted too milky. (That doesn't have anything to do with expiration dates, I just thought it was awesome of her. This milk is too milky! The bed is too bedy! And my hair is too hairy!) I only tell her because it cracks me up how much she gets the heebie jeebies from it, and since she doesn't have any siblings of her own, I have decided it's my job as her friend to antagonize her in an older sisterly way. It takes some of the pressure off Becky, and give me the same sort of giggles I get when I come back from the bathroom, hands unwashed, and let my mom know I just peed and didn't wash my hands.

Don't get me wrong, I totally believe in sanitation - I shower every day, I brush and floss, I wash my hands after I take out the trash, I practically boil them if I touch chicken, and sometimes even after I touch cooked chicken (thanks to Home Ec circa 1992, chicken = disease, salmonella, and possibly HIV. Oh, Mrs. Matthews I love you for teaching me how to sew a pillow that looks like a pig, but I hate that you made one of my biggest fears raw meat; now my future husband will have to learn how to survive on nachos alone.) (Don't worry John Krasinski, I will learn how to make some sort of stew before then!), but I guess I don't get too worried about missing a hand washing here and there, or eating warm cheese because it's really not that bad.

Some people like to tell me that will all change when I have children. That suddenly I'll be obsessed with expiration dates and hand washing and general cleanliness of my cleaning supplies themselves. But a) I'm not pregnant; and b) I don't think it's gonna really change my mind that much. I mean, how can you actually make sure everything is super clean before it gets near your baby? Plus I heard nursing mothers put cabbage leaves in their bras, and weird lotions, and stuff that you should not be putting around your boobs - roots and things. What am I supposed to do then? Wash my nipple every time before it goes in for a feeding? No. That's crazy talk. I'll tell you what's gonna happen - that sucker is going straight from my baby daddy's mouth into my baby's. If anyone needs to worry about cleanliness it's the lucky dude who decides to knock me up then have up-top sexy time in between baby naps. Because do you know where that child's mouth has been or what's been in it? Yeah, I don't either, that's the point.

Ok, I might wash my hands a little more, but I refuse to throw away milk five days before the expiration date. I'll just freeze it and save it for later. Maybe something to mix the formula with.*


*kidding