Lost And Found

So, I lost Crystal the other day. But not like, I left the door open and she wandered out and I lost her; more like, I set her down in a safe place so I wouldn't forget where she was and then instantly forgot where the safe place was and couldn't find her.

Which is weird since she's the size of a seven year-old. How many spots does a life-size poodle actually fit in a house that's 800sq ft on a good day?

I came home for lunch and looked around for her, and thought, "That's weird. I could have sworn I left her right there in the living room, sleeping on Bub's fancy sweater." But when I came in she was gone.

And so was the sweater.

So, I checked the bathroom - nothing. The bedroom - nothing. The kitchen - nope. Under the table - uh uh. I even checked the bathtub, pulling the drape open slowly (because almost anytime I have to open a shower curtain I'm suddenly terrified I'm going to find either a) a sniper in there ready to either snipe or stab me (because also in this fear snipers work at a super close range with a silencer on their gun, and also they stab, and for some reason I've done something that makes someone spend hundreds of thousands of dollars on an ex-government sniper for me, which is simultaneously terrifying and flattering if I sit down and think about it, because really what have I done? I'm not in politics, I don't have some huge fortune someone is going to stand to inherit, I'm not a famous soap star, I didn't marry any of the royal family, and I never wronged anyone's father in or out of the service causing them to die and receive a dishonorable discharge much to the disgrace and fury of the rest of the family who were just itching for something to avenge. And that's kind of nice, it's like the counter balance I think, it makes it bearable for me to take a shower in the mornings - the fact that if there's a sniper in there I must have done something huge, and since I haven't, the chances of a sniper being in there are much, much more minimal.), and b) that when I open the curtain I'm going to find whomever I'm looking for, murdered, eyes open, soaking in a pool of their own blood.

Eyes open! That's the worst part. I can handle the soaking in a pool of your own blood, but if you're looking at me - forget it. That's freak out central.

Clearly, I should not have EVER been allowed to watch TV when I was younger.

Anyway, she wasn't in the bathtub either, and this is when I commenced what my mom later called, 'Freaking the F*&k Out'. I didn't know what to do, but I checked all the doors, none had been left open, they were still locked, which could only mean that whoever broke in to steal Crystal, got greedy, took Bub's sweater too, and locked the door behind them to throw me off.

"Nice try," I shouted hysterically to no one. "I KNOW YOU WERE HERE!" I yelled grabbing my phone and shouting/shaking as I dialed my mom. "AAAAAAAHHHHHH 3-1-0 I CAN'T REMEMBER WHEN I'M PANICKED. Just call MOM'S CELL."

"Calling Baja Fresh" my phone said.

"No! Call MOM'S CELL."

"Calling Coldstone in Chicago" my phone said after my screams.

"NO! CALL MOOOOOOM'S CELLLLLLLLL"

"Calling Baja Fresh."

"FUCK graslhfalskdjfk YOU!" I growled, fake slamming my phone into the table, because I really wanted to smash it to pieces but I still needed it to track down the kidnappers.

Finally I took a deep breath and realized I should actually being calling my sister first. But she didn't answer because she was out gallivanting with a Victoria Secret Model and her Football baby daddy, so then I tried my mom.

"Do you only have food places stored in your phone?"

"That's not the point."

"You don't even live in Chicago anymore."

"I know, but what if I go back and want to see how late the Coldstone is op- Mom! That's not the point! Where's Crystal?"

"How should I know? Try your sister."

"I did she didn't answer. WHERE COULD SHE GO?!"

"I don't know, did you check the-"

"I CHECKED EVERYWHERE. SOMEONE TOOK HER!!!"

"The 15 year-old, deaf, arthritic, cataract-ridden dog?"

"Yes!"

"Someone stole that dog?"

"YES GLAKFLSDJLIJDILJ!"

"I don't think so. I have to get back to work, call me when you find her."

I tried Bub again but clearly supermodels are more important than the love-of-her-life dog so I tried the Math Teacher who gloriously answered even though she was in the middle of teaching Jr. High Schoolers, because she is a good person.

After a few minutes of hysterical screaming, which sent her into a mild panic - because as much as we love Crystal, we know how much Bub loves Crystal and fear her wrath more than that of the possible kidnapper's - we finally stopped screaming and she talked me through the entire house until we came to my old bedroom.

"No, the door is totally shut, and it was shut when I left. She's not in there."

"Did you check?"

"No."

"You didn't check every room in the house?"

"Yes I did. Every room that wasn't shut when I left this morning!"

"Ok, Amy," she said very calmly because, as I said before, she teaches hoodlum Jr. High and therefore dealing with me is just a walk in the park. "Maybe you should just check?" without even a trace of sarcasm, or mocking, just pure I'm-on-your-side support.

"Ok, I'll check but she can't be in here she doesn't open doors and it was totally lock- OH MY GOD CRYSTAL HOW DID YOU GET IN HERE?!?!?!?!"

Because there that little sucker was. Just chillin on the blow up mattress, her head resting on the pillow, the curtains drawn, looking up at me like, "What? This is where I come to think. You made me watch that teenage girl doing all that singing to other teenage girls this morning and I'm trying to figure out why*."

I'm not sure how she got in there, or why, or what was going on, but I think it's really weird that someone broke into our house to trap Crystal in the spare room and steal Bub's fancy sweater.

"Uh, Amy?"

"Yes, Math Teacher?"

"Have you checked out what you're wearing today?"

I looked down.

"Son of a bitch."

"It's her sweater isn't it?"

"Yes. Maybe."

"Ok, well then if you're ok I have to go break up a knife fight."

"Yeah go for it. We're safe."

For now. But sooner or later I'm going to have to take another shower. And that's always risky.





(*The video Crystal was contemplating)