Jew In The Room: They're Actually Shrinking

(Blurry photo of me showing how big my boobs used to be)

Well, it's official. Everything they ever told me was a lie.

#1 "Adults can do whatever they want."

Uh, not with my student loan payments, no they can't. Unless doing whatever I want involves writing a check for more than my rent money every month to someone named Sallie, and her evil little friend Mae.

Or maybe they weren't lying, maybe they were just leaving out the footnotes:

"Adults can do whatever they want.*

*provided they don't get a degree in something art-y. Jesus God don't do that."

(Ok, well this one sort of backfires on me because writing checks for school is sort of exactly what I want to be doing because I love/d school so I'll pay for it until I bleed tears.)

(Also, I think a fellow child told me this so, it's totally stricken from the record, but the rest are valid!)

#2 "Put some soda water on that it'll come right out."

Never. Never in the world has a stain come out because of soda water.

#3 "We'll never get divorced."

Thanks for ruining my life Brad and Jennifer!

#4 "You'll get boobs, don't worry about it."

Wait, seriously . . . didn't you think Brad and Jen were going to make it, and then that crazy ass Angelina Jolie got in the way and all the fairy tales in the world got re-written and suddenly Rapunzel can't get out of the tower because turns out she has lice and has to get her hair chopped off and Sleeping Beauty O.D.s on Ambien?

No?

Just me?

I swear to God if Katie and Tom don't make it I'll never believe in love again.

#4 Sorry, back to number four. "Boobs. They're coming"

Oh, really? When I'm seventy? Because I have news for you, that's gonna be TOO LATE. You know who has their boobs out when they're seventy? Grandmas who wear their hair in a beehive, and chain smoke menthol Virginia Slims, and apply blue eyeshadow like it's gonna help them see better, while talking with their mouths full of cottage cheese they have to eat to help keep their girlish figure for the lads at the Indian Casino she visits twice a week and plays the penny slots while sipping on her Diet Tab and Malibu because it's the only place in the world that still serves DIET TAB.

They're actually getting smaller I think. My boobs that is. Because I bought this dress for a wedding I have to go to this weekend, and when I bought it, it fit, and I just tried it on and it now fits everywhere but in the chestal region. What up with that?

I took another non-blurry photo so you wouldn't think I was exaggerating.

That's me grabbing a handful of dress fabric that should be hugging something someone told me I would get when I grew up. Well, I'm grown up. I have bills to pay. I have a family to take care of (James). Where mah boobs at??

Mom, a word please?

How come Bub looks like this?