Eyebrows, Glee, Dawson's Creek And My Brand New Home

Sometimes a show comes along and saves lives. And that show is Glee.

Just the other day Glee cured cancer.

Ok, fine, maybe it didn't, and maybe it doesn't exactly "save lives" but I'm pretty sure if they had a time machine, ninety-nine percent of the population would use it to transfer into Ohio Glee World, where they get to do rain choreography with Gwyneth Paltrow, and sing with Finn, and make out with Finn, and sing while making out with Finn. (And yes, time machines can be used to transfer to fictional lands, otherwise what are they good for?!)

So anyway, somehow I was way behind on my tv watching and had to watch the last four Glee episodes in a row yesterday. ("had to" - my life is so hard)

Anyway there seems to be a lot of talking and not a lot of singing going on in some of these episodes. If I wanted to see a lot of kids jabbering on about themselves I'd re-watch some Dawson's Creek.

But oh my gosh - that new kid - the school boy who's so super cute he makes my underwear practically shine with the heavenly light of a thousand stars, beaming out of my pants and into the eyes of my soul?

I love him.

I'm taking my time machine to break up with Finn and just stare dreamily at . . . whatever his name is. I can't date him because I'm fairly certain he's gay in this show. Oh, how a huge part of me wishes I was a gay teenage boy so that I could fantasize properly.

I'm gonna be honest and say that I probably wouldn't like him so much, save for the fact he did this little number right here. And not so much the song even, but the fact that the school boys all start side-stepping in time. Moving! At the same time! To a beat! I'm so easy really, but there's something magical about boys doing the same moves. It's why the military and school bands are so hot - because they march in time.

Look at his eyebrows. They're so thick and bushy I just wanna curl up inside of them and roll around in my little eyebrow teepee. You could stay warm for a year with just his eyebrow hair.

I bet they are. I bet they are the most comfortable eyebrows ever.

I haven't seen the Christmas episode yet, but I'm about to get in bed and watch the crap out of it. Right after I re-watch some Dawson's Creek.

Glee, Sex and the City, Rocky Horror, Topless Magic

I'm apparently waaaaay behind the times (with my movie and tv watching), because I just was scrolling through my Netflix and I was like, "Oh what's this. . . Damages? Glenn Close is in a tv show?" *An hour later* "Oh my god this show is amazing! I must tell everyone!" *Calls Becky*

"So there's this show. . . " *Becky lets me go on and on and then says* "Yeah, I think it came out in 2007."

Interesting.

Then I was wandering around Target the other day and I saw a display for Sex and the City II out on DVD and I was like, "Oh man. . . I thought I could still see it in theaters!" So, I went ahead and bought it. Not rented - but bought it - because I loved the first one so much, and thought, "What could go wrong?!"

Oh god. So much. So so much could go wrong.

I'm not gonna get into it, because you all saw it a year ago when you should have (or you didn't because you are smart), but I was so uncomfortable and slightly bored, and then - AND THEN - they got up and sang I Am Woman, at some underground karaoke thing, and I was so embarrassed for them I hid under my sweater and started sweating a little. Like I was mortified for them, looking around to make sure no one was suddenly in my house watching me/them sing so inappropriately. I haven't been that embarrassed for a character since Baby was learning to dance, and carried a watermelon.

I just got sweaty again.

Anyway, so then I recovered and remembered I STILL HAD GLEE TO WATCH! ROCKY HORROR GLEE! ALL MOTHERF*&KING CAPS ROCKY M*F*ING HORROR GLEE!

I know that people who haven't seen Rocky Horror/weren't a total nerd in High School probably didn't appreciate that episode very much, but oh my shit it made me so happy I can't even stand it!

The only thing that was a little questionable was the word changes in Touch Me, to make it a little more FOX friendly - it pretty much undid every sexual fantasy I had between 1994-1998.

But then made up for it!!! Finn as Brad! Can you make me wish I was a transvestite any more? (Brad sleeps with Dr. Frank N. Furter in the movie. I think. Maybe I'm just wishing.) (No, he totally does. Tim Curry - Hot.) Meatloaf and Barry Bostwick guest starring! Uncle Jesse singing and motorcycle riding all over the place gaflaghaliuewrpjsldkfka! AHHHHHH! It's like they took all forms of happiness, shook them up in a snow globe and let it explode it's joy all over the world!

The only problem I have with this, is that I'm behind the times so I had to watch it on Hulu and sometimes my internet is slow and takes time to load like right in the middle of my heart spasming out of my brain with pure, weird bliss, so I get all antsy and, again, sweaty with joy. (Medical condition I should get looked at?) I get sweaty when I'm embarrassed and excited - it's a curse. I blame my mom. I also get sweaty more when I'm cold than when I'm hot. Don't ask me why, just know that it's making me rethink my refusal to move directly onto the equator.

Anyway, so as I was waiting for Hulu to load my Glee (which I have figured out how to hook up to my tv so I can pretend it's on in the middle of the day) (am technical genius!), I whipped off my shirt and ran to the kitchen to wash my armpits. (I have a system. It involves washing and reapplying. Don't judge me.) I'm not about to run to the bathroom because then I might miss some of the episode so I stand at the kitchen sink wetting my underarms and squirting some Dawn up on there, stealthily keeping an eye on the tv, and then I realize I don't keep my deodorant in the kitchen! So I start to panic, because this means I'll have to go in the bathroom, but panicking means more sweating, so I calm down and look from the TV to the bathroom. TV to the bathroom. Bathroom. TV. Bathroom. TV.

And then I run.

And I get back just in time, because the show has started again, and I'm singing, and thrilled, and multitasking by applying my deodorant, and singing some more, and then . . . out of the blue. . . I'm not kidding. . . The goddamn UPS guy shows up. AGAIN!

And the worst part is the TV is right next to these two, huge, sliding glass doors, so it's not even like I can duck down below the windowsill, because there is not windowsill! It's just huge glass panes of embarrassment, there to show off my glowing white goodies to all of the yard, and the UPS delivery guys who don't use the side door like they should.

I never order stuff from UPS. I'm not sure why suddenly he's coming to deliver stuff to me EVERYDAY at the worst possible time!!!

So, I'm standing there, topless, in pajama pants (again) in the middle of the day, the only thing making me feel better is the fact that I do not have a wine glass out.

And he just stands there.

As do I.

Uh....

Hey . . .

Uhm. . . This looks weird.

Uh. . .

I was just . . . Glee is on.

And it makes me sweaty.

Oh . . . ok?

So . . . uh. . .

. . .

. . .

Ok, I'm just gonna leave this here.

Needless to say, he just dropped the package right there, didn't even have me sign for it, just sort of waved and backed up without turning around until we couldn't see each other anymore. I'm not sure why I just froze there, except that I think I kind of thought if I didn't move maybe he wouldn't think I was real.

If you look you can see James in the background, watching and judging. He stayed away until the guy left as if he was embarrassed, and didn't want strangers to know that this is where he gets his food. And the front shot of me - those bangs - that's what happens when I don't put on the headband. I look like I have a botched mullet. Too short in the front. Too much party in the back.

I don't know why my leg was up either, it's not like I was going to deodorize down there next, I think I was just too excited to be standing still, and I didn't even notice my leg was up until after the UPS guy had left and I had to forcibly put it down. Maybe I always do that? Like when girls put on mascara and they open their mouths? I'm gonna have to pay attention next time I use it. Which could be soon. Glee is on again tonight.

Sofia Vergara, Britney Spears, and Damon Salvatore - It's Like A Trifecta Of Happiness All Balled Up Into A Tortilla And Dipped In The Salsa Of Good

Will Toward Men

I love fall so much. And here's a list of reasons why:

1. Pumpkin lattes.

2. Leaves turning.

3. Big sweaters.

4. Fall lineup.

Ok, and that list is really just to disguise the fact that the main reason I love fall is that all my shows are back! Thank God, 'cause I was getting a little sick of all the reading and filling-my-time-with-healthy-activities that was going on. How'm I supposed to learn how to knit socks when there's a new episode of Parenthood on?? Or Modern Family?! I mean, seriously, who can concentrate when whatshername's boobs are on the screen?

I just forgot what I was writing about.

Oh yeah! AND THEN THERE WAS GLEE.

I love Glee so much it hurts. Like physically hurts. It's how I imagine having sex with Stefan and Damon at the same time would feel like - painful, but sooooooo good. (Because they're vampires, and everyone knows vampires hurt you sexually when you're having sexual stuff, cause they're supernatural and they have to try not to kill you even though they're in love with you. . . it's all very scientific.)(And for some reason in this daydream there's no awkward boy on boy on girl stuff going on where you're like, 'Oh yeah I totally want to do it with both of them,' and then it starts turning south in a way you hadn't been prepared for, not that you're opposed to that sort of thing - to each his own - so to speak - but you had a little more of a - by sleep with both of them at the same time I just meant we'd be gazing at each other and they'd give each other she's-mine-back-off looks and I'd be all, "Oh boys, no need to fight." and then I'd lead them into the bedroom where . . . well I hadn't really though this through but there was lots of kissing going on. Lots of kissing. Not that I'm in junior high and all I can think of is kissing, I know how to do other stuff ok. I mean, I would be thinking of other stuff, but they're brothers, and that's not ok, no matter how hot they are. So maybe I have to separate this dream and make it individual vampire-hook-up times, so there's no awkwardness in my fantasies - because believe me, I already have that with my Adam Lambert daydream.)

So awkward.

Anyway. . . when I was watching the Britney episode of Glee I had to pause it for a second to run to the bathroom, and as I did I actually ran from the room like a crazy person screaming, "I LOVE IT SO MUCH! IT FILLS ME WITH A SORT OF TINGLING JOY I CAN'T EVEN EXPLAIN!"

And then I tripped over a pillow I had thrown in the midst of my overwhelming excitement, because I had too much good energy and if I didn't throw something I was going to have to tear something.

I'm not even sure why it makes me so happy, but it totally does. Like, my cheeks hurt when it's over from smiling so much, and my heart is all full of gooey sugary love. It's just a magic combo of teenage boys dancing and singing in full football gear, and girls crying while they're singing, and teenagers trying to getting stoned and hook up with their dentist. *sigh* It just makes me nostalgic.

This was the only episode Gabi agreed to watch, because she has a weird obsession with Britney, and I feel like someone who just talked someone else into going to Church for donut day. Like they don't really want to be there, but they want the donut so they'll sit through mass - that's what she's like. She'll watch but only because Britney is in it, and then she's never coming back and she'll go straight to hell where she belongs, but at least I tried.

Ok, maybe not that bad, but she'll be stared at in an uncomfortable way whenever she's over. Trust me, sometimes that's bad enough.

Teenage boys! Singing Britney! In full on football uniforms, doing weird hip pelvic-y movements, and being totally serious about it! In wheelchairs!

TV doesn't get better than that.