New Boots

So, I'm wearing boots right now that, I shit you not, make me so tall that when I just went into the bathroom I inadvertently saw over one of the stalls and looked a small Filipino woman in the eye as she pulled her pants down. I swear to God it couldn't have been avoided unless I had gone into the bathroom with my eyes closed to start my bathroom-napping just a few seconds earlier.

I was so embarrassed about just seeing her naked from the waist down that I started blabbering apologies all over the place while still standing there, glaring down at her from atop my gigantor perch above her stall door like some sort of creepy behemoth of a woman who goes around using her height to check up on the goings-on of office building bathrooms, and maybe the occasional bedroom window or two. She quickly said it was ok, and then when I looked away she proceeded to start peeing (probably out of fear) and so I took my cue and walked into my own stall while looking down at my feet the whole time.

We met back up at the sink, where I apologized again and pointed out that I wasn't used to my new boots, and I love them, I love them so much, but two inches taller makes me very weird.

"I mean, even sitting on the toilet felt awkward because my knees were all up here, and I'm used to them right about here." I demonstrated while standing, what it might look like if I was sitting, to this poor, poor woman who was probably four foot nine and afraid I was going to either knee her in the face or follow her around and hoover gigantically all day.

I let her go, then got out of there quick with my hand over my eyes because someone else walked in and I didn't want her to sit down and look up to see my head floating above the door like some sort of human Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade balloon.

These are the new boots and I love, love, love them. I just need to figure out how to work myself in them.


And no, you don't need to adjust your screen. That is the actual color of the chair in my cubicle. And that tropical floor? That's the actual carpet. My office: where the 70s went to Vegas and and stayed at the Tropicana - for life.