Irrational Fears

...that my mom refuses to acknowledge, which I believe she thinks will make it seem as if my fears are irrational and ridiculous, and because she's ignoring them, then I'll decide they're not that important and ignore them myself.

(This is 100% not the case. Instead, I typically think she's ignoring and/or blowing them off because she knows they're true, and cannot stand the thought of various things happening to her favorite daughter. It would crush her. Thus, she ignores and soldiers on. And while she remains brave, so very brave, I continue into an even further freak out.)

Irrational fear #1

The fear that my eye will pop out.

"Mom, I have this horrible sharp pain behind my right eye. It's really bad. It's not like a normal headache, it's like a sharp pointing pain." **demonstrates sharp pointy pain by poking finger by the side of the head** **sees reflection and notices demonstration looks more like a tentacle coming out of my brow than it does sharp eye pain** **switches to pointing at eye very curtly**

"Do you need Advil?"

"Yes please. What if my eye pops out? Or explodes in the socket or something?"

"I don't think that's going to happen."

"What if it does and that's why the pain is so sharp, and stationary?"

"The chances aren't very likely."

"It feels like - remember that movie with Meg Ryan's husband?"

"..."

"Dennis Quaid! And he gets shrunken down til he's super little and he floats around inside Martin Short, and to see he has to plug into Martin's eye." **resumes demonstration of sharp eye poke**

"I don't know that movie."

"Yes you do. I had nightmares for like four years. And Dennis Quaid needs to get inside his ex-girlfriend and in order to do that Martin Short has to make out with her, and Dennis is transferred through the saliva into her, and while he's floating around he makes it to the womb and sees she's pregnant (with his baby!) because there's this huge fetus floating around trying to catch his little space craft he uses to hover around inside people?!"

". . . "

"What the heck is that movie called?"

"I have definitely NEVER seen that movie."



Irrational fear #2

That when I accidentally point the remote control the wrong way and push the buttons, the signal is going to be sent straight at my brain/uterus where it will inevitably cause a brain tumor, or a mutant baby to be grown. Even if I'm not with child, I still think somehow magically there is a phantom baby in there, like an energy wave baby, and the remote control waves will somehow heat it to start growing, and it will form, and then I will birth it, and it will have wings, and talons, and a set of teeth to rival all teeth. Sharp and jagged, and snaggley.

"You are not going to have a microwave baby for God's sake."

"What about a brain tumor."

"We might already be too late for that."



Irrational Fear #3

Andie MacDowell getting overrun with ticks. In her hair.

"I thought you were afraid of ticks in your hair."

"I am, but she actually had one in her head once, and she didn't seem concerned, and so now I'm afraid she'll just go about getting ticks, and not caring, and then she'll be like a crazy tick-head lady and I will never allow myself to be in the same state as her! No! The same hemisphere!"

"That's gonna be hard to do."

"I know! HENCE, the fear!"