I DIDN'T THINK SO.
Ok, fine. Maybe Richard Alpert pouring wine on my stomach and then sucking it off while Family Guy plays in the background. But that's a close second.
In other news, my family is sad they read this once again.
But that's fine, considering the conversation I had with my mother yesterday. I don't care about ick-ing her out right now because when I asked her if she could see my muffin top in these pants, instead of lying like she should have, she just nodded and gave a what-are-you-gonna-do-face.
"Yeah honey. I see it."
"Mom!"
"What? You asked."
"Why can't you lie to me like normal people?"
"That's how people get fat. People lying to them."
(Ok, she didn't say that last part. But that's what she was thinking.)
"What about when I do this?" I asked hiking up my pants so they came just to under my boobs.
"Nope, now I can't see it at all."
"THANK YOU. Was that so hard?"
"Can I go back to work now? This little fashion show is getting weird."
"It's gonna get even weirder now that I have to walk around all day with my pants like Uncle Zeke."
"Or you could just pull them down like a normal person and let your muffin top show."
"MOM!"
"Sorry, you totally unnoticeable muffin top."
"Thank you."
Lying: It's not in her vocabulary. Much to the detriment of my self-esteem. Ever see me with my hair up? No. And you know why? My ears stick out. You know who taught me that?
It's wasn't my dad I'll tell you that much!
**I'm totally joking - I mean, I'm not joking about my mom and my pants, and my mom and my ears sticking out - but I am joking about being upset by it. The woman couldn't be more supportive if she just carried me around all day on her back, in a large adult-baby-carrier thing, waving a little flag that says:
My daughter rocks!
(and boy is she heavy)
1 comment:
Your mom is as brutal as mine.
Jim: Hey Mom, I've not had a cigarette in two months!
Mom: So drinking will kill you instead.
Jim: ...
Post a Comment