What Am I Supposed To Do Without Mah Cell Phone

I find people on their cell phones checking their email every five minutes to be TOTALLY ANNOYING. Being all, "Oh hey guys, look at my new app." and then they spend forty minutes showing you how they can ask their phone questions like a Magic 8 ball, and fog it up like a steamy window then draw things in the steam. Because seriously, I'm right here. Can't we just talk face to face instead of app-ing each other things like we're in some sort of annoying Sci-Fi movie where nothing scary happens, just really boring clicking? ("Hey dude, did you see the new Sigourney Weaver movie?" "Oh yeah the one about the future?" "Yeah where the computers send stuff **blahblahblah-boring-stuff-I-don't-get-because-it's-all-programming-computer-speak-and-nothing-explodes-or-catches-on-fire-when-internet-stuff-happens-you-just-have-to-BELIEVE-it'll-work-because-seriously-ones-and-zeros-is-doing-all-this-shit. . . I DON'T GET IT-ones-and-zeros-and-electrical-currents-my-ass-as-far-as-I'm-concerned-the-internet-is-pure-fucking-magic-and-if-this-were-the-1600s-Steve-Jobs-and-all-those-dudes-would-be-burned-alive-in-the-town-square-by-a-bunch-of-rabid-men-in-skirts** and then the screen shifted direction so you can read it the long way?" "Yeah I love that movie." "Me too.")

Correction:

I found them to be totally annoying. Then I got a Droid X (or Incredible. I can't remember. All I know is it's shiny, and new, and I had to be on a waiting list) Now, I just want to join them and be the best checker of my email on my cell phone ever!

Do you know what all those apps can do?? ME EITHER but I'm totally gonna waste years finding out! That Magic 8 Ball app? I've used it to figure out my life for the last 8 hours. Should I take a shower? Answer: Not likely. SO BE IT.

I'm gonna join all the people with the fancy phones and then work my way up in the ranks at lightening speed, and ultimately lead them as . . . their leader. . . to all kinds of glory, and world domination, and . . . glory. . . and I'm not even worried that I can't think of new words right now because I bet there's an app on my new phone that will think of words for me!

And I got this "Retro Camera" app that I've been using all day to photograph piles of laundry and my cat because it all looks like a Fiona Apple video and if that isn't the most thrilling thing you've ever seen it's probably because you don't spend 10 hours a day by yourself in front of a computer accounting for people! Sure I could pick up a real retro camera, but that's not fun. That's work.

And when my kids lose their phone down the toilet (because they'll be mine, and that's what we do in my family) I'll just go, "Come here my lovelies. Watch Mommy." And then I'll steam up the mirror with my own breath and wipe it away and they will be so amazed they'll think I'm some sort of wizard-y genius! "Mommy! How did you learn to work like my Droid 9000?" "Oh honey, Mommy is part cell phone." Cut to screaming and nightmares for the rest of their lives.

Look at how cool this Retro Camera app thing is though:

Well, it looks cool. I kinda look like there's a dinosaur behind me and I'm totally freaked out but don't want it to know I'm freaked out, so I'm sort of grinning because I think if I smile the dinosaur won't know I'm freaked out.

But then I remember that I actually love dinosaurs!

And we fall madly in love.

The end.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go program Family Guy sound clips as my ringer for all of my friends, and then see if I can get my phone to tell me where I am, because I'm pretty sure it can do that! I could just look around but I don't want to waste time.