Carpet Cleaning, Sorta

I just looked up to see the mom of one of my really good friends (sup Katie!) sort of sweeping, sort of vacuuming the office floor, but she wasn't really doing either, it was more like a weird half-breed because she was using a bissel.

(She looks really young in this photo.)



Those aren't real cleaning things are they? Bissels. I think it's just something you run on the floor to make it look like you've cleaned.

That's what I used to do anyway when it was my week to mop and vacuum (floor chores went together, and laundry and dishes went together; bathrooms got done by everyone every week - like an attack, except they were still clean from the week before so it was like a precautionary strike against. . . hair or mold collection? I'm not sure, but you could eat out of our bathtubs when we were kids.) I hated chores, I wanted to be riding my bike to the liquor store to buy some Rolos and rent something with a sexy cover hoping there would be a heavy kissing scene in it, like Mannequin, or Labyrinth, instead of cleaning out my hamster's cage. I spent more time and energy trying to figure out how to get out of my chores than it would have taken me to actually just get up and do them. But doing them was for suckers. Or my sister.

So when vacuuming came up I decided it was too much work, and instead I'd bissel the whole house so that it had the carpet marks that made it look as if I'd actually plugged something into the wall. I'm not sure what my reasoning was here because it took the same amount of time and effort, except I wasn't getting anything actually done. I think it was more the point I was making, to myself because it's not like I later revealed my evil plot to my mom over dinner, flashing my allowance and taunting "I triiiiicked you". (Mainly, because I had no doubt she'd just reach over and take it away from me.) (And then charge me for lying to her.)

My mom had a chore list to battle all chore lists when we were kids. Anyone who stayed friends with me after learning what my family was all about will definitely remember the lists, because not only was I not allowed to leave until all ten pages were crossed off (and initialed) but if my friends happened to come over early they would be sucked into cleaning the bathroom while I swept the kitchen. My mom has absolutely no distinguishing bone in her body when it comes to her kids and other people's kids. You're in her house, you do what her kids do. Timeouts and all. I was always shocked to go to other kids houses and do something bad and then not be grounded with them. Unfortunately at my house, you couldn't get away with that, even if it was only half your idea we start a bonfire in the camper.

Mom: Are you kidding me? How in the world did you ever think that was a good idea?!! You're grounded.

Friend: But . . . I don't live here.

Mom: No phone or tv for two weeks.

Friend: But...

Mom: Wanna make it three?

Friend: No.

Mom: Go on then. Get to you room. I mean Amy's room.

Friend: Ok, sorry Mrs. Stern.

Mom: Oh, stop. Call me Lori.

Friend: Sorry Lori.

Mom: You're still grounded.


Anyway, Wendy is not on my mom's chore list that I know of. She's just walking around bisseling the crap out of the office. I wonder if I do that, if I can claim it's the same thing as filing some paperwork? I bet that's how she got out of doing the mail this morning. 'Nope sorry boss, I'm bissleing.'

Ok, I just asked her, and she said the floor looked like it needed to be cleaned.

Me: So you're making it seem as if its clean?

Wh: No. I'm actually cleaning it.

Me: With that?

Wh: Yeah.

Me: But that's just a fake cleaner.

Wh: No. It's an actual cleaner.

Me:. . .

Wh: . . .

Me: . . .

Wh: **continues bisseling**

Me: Son of a!

I still refuse to believe I was actually doing work. A bissel? Really? It doesn't even plug in! Nothing cleans unless it's plugged in! Which is why I refuse to believe you can't clean a bathroom without a steam cleaner. Or a buffer. Shoot, plug in a ghetto blaster and bring that sucker in, I'm sure it'll clean something up.