Jew In The Room: Babysitting - It's Just Like When You Had To Keep Your Friend In High School From Throwing Up On Her Own Shoes

I just want to preface this post by saying that shortly after I did this, Gige said, in all sincerity, "Auntie Amy is going to be such a good mommy!" and then I spent seventeen minutes talking about anal in front of the baby and undid all the good she thought I was capable of, BUT AT LEAST I HAD IT FOR A WHILE.

So, Gabi and I went up to visit Gige and her baby this weekend in the lovely land of Fresyes (tm M.H.) and that baby could not get cuter or happier. She couldn't. Not even if you pumped her full of pills made of the stuff that makes little kittens, and rainbows, and those little mini pigs in a blanket people serve at parties (so cute!).

But because Gabi and I got so spoiled with her being constantly joyful, if there was even a second where it looked like she was about to cry I'd immediately go into Stop-it-somehow-make-her-lip-stop-quivering-because-its-going-to-make-me-cry(!) mode. And so before breakfast Sunday morning Gige left Hailey's line of vision to do something selfish like go to the bathroom or something, and of course Hailey's lip began to tremble and I couldn't stand it because she's too cute to be sad, so I did the first thing that came naturally to me. . .

I took my shirt off and fed her.

Oh gosh stop freaking out, I'm Just Kidding!

No, I did something her father apparently would later think was way worse than that - I reached into my purse, pulled out my prescription medicine, dumped it into my bag, stuck a penny in the bottle for something to make noise when she shook it, and stuck the makeshift toy into her mouth, all the while saying, "Back in my day we had to make our toys with things we found in the streets."

And Gabi and I held our breath while Hail examined the toy - lip poised into pre-quiver mode just in case the toy sucked - and she eyed it for a second. She tasted it to make sure it wasn't gross. And then she shook it. And oh my god that penny in there made a clanking sound! The joy! She giggled and looked at us like, "Hey Aunties, this shit rules! Have you heard how this clanks?"

She loved that shaky-penny-thyroid-medicine toy so much I'm thinking of marketing them in little boutique toy stores under the name Danger Toys. Others will include knife handles, and tiny little lighters-turned bottles.

Here she is right after I handed her a bottle that used to hold (and hopefully was totally rid of) a medicine you can only get refilled after you get a blood test every few months. (Child protective services has already been called on my unborn children.)

"This tastes like diaper a little."