I love Glee so much. But I'm sooooooooooooo glad it wasn't on when I was in High School because it would have totally warped the already distorted view I have of love, and just life in general (singing and synchronized dancing), and I would have grown up dumping everyone I ever dated because they had to talk me into sex instead of singing me into it. It's not real love if there's no PIANO SOLO DAMN IT.
Plus I was already skewed toward thinking life was tv-y because my freshman year we got all 21 Jump Street-ed because there was a huge undercover drug-sting-thing, complete with cops posing as students and befriending and then arresting, and I was sure I was always seconds away from being in a shoot out, protected by the dreamy Richard Grecco - thus I held off dating anyone I didn't think could secretly be sheltering a weapon in their pants.
(Richard Cannefax, your pants were so baggy they TOTALLY could have been holding a sword for all I know.)
(And no, I never saw Richard's sword sickos. We only dated for two months. He went on to date Gige shortly after I told her to tell him I wanted him back. She said she would, and then somehow wound up being his date to Winter Fantasy and I'm pretty sure I went with a girl. We wore matching dresses her mom made for us.) (For the record we went just as friends. Friends in matching dresses. My self-esteem was amazingly high for the amount of lame shit I did.)
(And no, it wasn't weird that Gige dated my ex-boyfriend right after we broke up. It had been like two weeks. In high school that's equivalent to seventeen years.)
Anyway, I was watching Glee yesterday half loving it and half praising God it wasn't on in the 90s because I would have had to join choir. And then ears would bleed. Because yes - I can't carry a tune. But no - that wouldn't have stopped me. What I lack in talent, I make up for in enthusiasm. Ask anyone I've ever had sex with.
Ba-da ching!
(Totally doesn't work the same when you're making fun of yourself. Oh well, carrying on. . . )
And then after Glee I was watching Adam Lambert videos - not entirely sure why, except I suddenly love him. Him and Justin Beiber. Clearly I'm having some sort of crisis of faith. But he's all eye-linered and tight-clothes wearing, and I'm all: he's a dude, but he could be a lady, but like a really gay fancy lady where you're like, "Oh that guy has a nice faux hawk," and then your friend says, "That's not a guy." and you're all, "Really?" and you start to feel weird because you were attracted to the faux hawk person, but now that it's a girl you don't think you're attracted, but you don't want to seem prejudice or racist or anything, and the faux hawk really does look good on her, but Adam Lambert is clearly a guy and he's telling me to do things and I'm not sure if I should but I want to and ohmygodI'msoconfusedbutIcan'tlookaway!!!
Becky: Did you just scream at your computer?
A: No. Yes. Maybe.
B: Is that Justin Beiber again?
A: I needed to click away from Lambert. He's making Crystal feel all funny inside.
B: As Crystal's mom I can assure you, she doesn't like Adam Lambert.
A: Oh yes she does.
B: No. Maybe she likes Justin Beiber, but I don't think she's into Adam. She's more hip-hop.
A: Well, she was totally intent on watching him strut around a few minutes ago.
B: Why do you make her watch that stuff?
A: She was tired of being sad. Justin makes her sad. Adam makes her confused.
B: Why can't you just play fetch with her like a normal person?
A: Crystal also wants to know where all the make-up wearing, androgynous, sulky, make-up wearing boys were when she was in High School. Because she so would have been all over that.
B: You said make-up twice.
A: Yeah, I want to emphasize what's important here.
B: I'm leaving now.
A: She says she doesn't even care that he's gay! She still wants to share makeup with him right before they make out!
B: Stop talking about my dog like that!
A: . . .
B: I'm so glad this wasn't popular when you were in high school.
A: That's what I'm saying!
2 comments:
I'm pretty sure that three minutes and thirty-six seconds ago, when I finished reading this entry, I had something clever to say. But then I clicked "Play" and watched that video and now I'M CONFUSED ABOUT MYSELF!
What I can say with certainty (as Crystal's former offical dog-sitter and the lady next door) is that she is NOT into Adam. She might occasionally have dreams about taking Justin for slow-motion rides around your backyard, but she finds Adam's dominatrix-y clothing and spiky shoulder pads to be too confining and flat out dangerous. She's more of a hang out with friends at the bowling alley and occasionally kick it with Ludacris kinda gal.
"Crystal also wants to know where all the make-up wearing, androgynous, sulky, make-up wearing boys were when she was in High School. Because she so would have been all over that."
You should have been in my biology class in 1992. We also had some junior or senior come in to take his final exam right from the beach where he was surfing. So, in his trunks, no shirt, and dual pierced nipples.
See what you missed out by being in the class of 1998?
--
Christian
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